Craving Attention

Danielle

DANIELLE.

o.k. Stop texting and talk to me please.

Mom. I don’t text all the time.

I am on Google.

The Present

I am floating.

I can sense light but am aware that it is both radiating from me and radiating from outside conscience. There is a rhythm…distant, yet within that beats in a soothing tempo, tempting me to slip into bliss. My soul is cradled in warmth, unaware that it is water or air. Perhaps both. Something reminiscent of the womb, if the spirit had yet experienced it. Perhaps it is yearning for what is to come. Perhaps it is reminiscing what had been; existing in the past and future, floating in the peaceful present. This present, undisturbed by forces that break conscience, pull us out of the here, the absolute reality of the now, into the dance of awareness of others. I breathe in…and out…relishing the buoyancy of the universe.

I hear something from outside of myself. I am sad to answer it, but it is demanding that it be answered; calling a name. Is it calling me? I want to remain in my cocoon, to stay immersed in the bliss of the present. The name is being called, repeated, with increasing urgency. I can’t ignore it, something in my spirit has to answer. I struggle to break now, from the embrace and comfort that is enveloping me. Pulling me back to it, I struggle with it. My peace is now a shackle because I cannot come up, or out. That name…it is mine. I am wanted outside of myself. I push up and breathe in.

MOM!!!!!

I’m here. I’m here. I see you .

Blinking in the brilliant sun I begin treading water again, the sound of birds and water beating against the shore filling my ears and my deprived senses.

Watch me jump off the dock mom!

I see you now! I can see you! I love it! I am here in your moment. Now.

Roots Revisited

Blazing a Trail for Wendy

I have not been outside in a while; school work and writing are taking up all of my time now, being outside feels good this morning. Watering the horses, I crossed the yard with a bucket of water and my eyes scan the yucca garden I planted last fall. As I take in my paltry attempt at extending mom’s yucca beds, my heart sinks.
The universe has spoken once more:  “Erin, there will be no planting”
No planting a family,
No planting a library,
No planting of love,
No planting of substance.
“Don’t try to put roots down girl! I can and will rip up those roots while they are tender with only a tenuous grip on the soil!” And she does.
I looked at my dead yucca; my mother’s voice ringing in my ears. After all those hours of planning and researching how to eat yucca, moving and separating…

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Musing Over Coffee With Mom

This week my mom and I were talking about playing with the kids. I am thinking this morning about how we have to say the kids, or our kids because they are not in reality all mine, and she has legal problems calling them hers.

This month my mother took our kids to a family wedding in Iowa.

I remembered to tell the dad the day they left. He understands us like that.

This last weekend, my mother took our kids to Mackinac Island. The dad knew about that trip about two days before she took them. He is a very patient kind of guy.

I am also thinking that the nut does not always fall far from the tree….

Today I am thinking perhaps my mother grew a mini version of herself and Peter Pan is exactly what she was trying to grow when she was raising her own children. My mother and I are pretty close now, and have very similar parenting styles. In a sense, we both would prefer to be kids and being childish with our kids is the best way to that end without having someone trying to get us committed!

I have the best memories of my mother being my friend. She homeschooled us and thereby got a green light to take us everywhere on field trips. My mother took time out of her life, that she could have spent working for money, or the approval from different people, and chose to spend it with us. Mom took us to all sorts of little out-of-the-way places, explored museums and picnicked in every park she could find with me and my siblings. I am not sure what she enjoyed more, going to see new places, or taking us kids out and about exploring. I am under the impression, that this woman enjoyed our company.

I remember being fairly young, and my parents taking us out to eat for dinner; we talked. My mother talked to us like we had something earthshaking to say. She listened like what was about to be said was the most important thing she was ever going to hear…at least that day. The whole time we were growing up, she was in the moment. Mom enjoyed every day of her parenting career, and didn’t want to miss a single moment by giving one to another caregiver or teacher.

I am one happy nut because I not only fell from a pretty great tree, but I didn’t end up rolling very far off.

Now that I am divorced and back living at home, mom and I have picked up where we left off. I am snuggling up with my kids and books at bedtime just like I did with mom when I was little. Mom and I are taking my kids out for lunch so we can hang on their every word. Mom and I are taking my kids to where ever we want to to go and explore because we can; because my mother and my kids are great company.

 

Happy Mother’s Day everyone.

Roots Revisited

I have not been outside in a while; school work and writing are taking up all of my time now, being outside feels good this morning. Watering the horses, I crossed the yard with a bucket of water and my eyes scan the yucca garden I planted last fall. As I take in my paltry attempt at extending mom’s yucca beds, my heart sinks.
The universe has spoken once more:  “Erin, there will be no planting”
No planting a family,
No planting a library,
No planting of love,
No planting of substance.
“Don’t try to put roots down girl! I can and will rip up those roots while they are tender with only a tenuous grip on the soil!” And she does.
I looked at my dead yucca; my mother’s voice ringing in my ears. After all those hours of planning and researching how to eat yucca, moving and separating them to use as a food the following year. After I put in the hours and care, Mom looked at me with the haughty look that I know so well because she gave the same to me by genetics and practice; “we are NOT eating that!”

Ok. I will experiment by myself, it is ok.

Her voice rings in my brain now, looking at where the bed was supposed to be, and here it is, mowed over. I know I can’t trust what is said here, but actions speak volumes and cannot be misunderstood. “Erin, you have no place here”.

Last summer I had talked excitedly about learning to garden; about growing lettuces and small things that would also be decorative. No one had gardened seriously for a while now; it would be ok to take some garden space. Wouldn’t it? Mom had at once jumped at the idea about gardening again. I thought it was to be with me, to find common ground. Now I understand. “My” caldron pot at the corner of the garage is full of her choices. The space I tried to carve out for myself is gone.

Don’t put down roots Erin!

Don’t you DARE.                .

“I will laugh at your attempts at stability” scoffs the universe in my nightmares, and now in my ear as I survey my futile attempts at settling in a bit.

I remember learning as a child…it is in the Bible … it is in the book of Psalms…God laughs at our plans.

But what I didn’t understand in the middle of that temper tantrum, is this:
God just giggles because he knows how much we don’t understand.
I just didn’t understand how yucca works.

Problem solved.

Saying Goodbye

It is truely a spiritual moment when we see people pass through this life.

Joy is abundant when little ones come to join us.

But sorrow as people pass onto the next life ahead of us.

Sometimes I feel like I am standing in line.

Greater things are out there ahead of us I am told, but it still wrenches my heart

The great memeories that could have been.

Things left usaid

Things left undone

Today we say our formal goodbye to an Uncle

 A Brother

And to many he was a friend

Life stands still for a moment for his salute

Work is halted

Joy is suspended

While we take a moment to contemplate all the times we had spent together;

Times we should have spent together.

Today we take a moment to think about how we will improve the time that we have left here, so when we make our journey to the next realm, we will do so with pride, and our loved ones we leave behind will have no regrets.

How I Was Schooled Today :)

Today I had the privilege of teaching a first grade class in a the small town of Leslie. Wait. I must correct myself. I WAS TAUGHT by a very sweet first grade class in a small sweet town just south of mine.
I entered “my” classroom just after lunch hour, ready to make friends and influence little people. I was ready to show them the wonders of estimation, find their addition super powers, and leave them awed at how wonder substitute teachers can be. Yea, that is JUST what happened….

So after the first hour, after I realized that I was spending all my time helping them focus so they could actually do some work ( so I would look good in front of the teacher ),I decided it was time to pull out the consequences. Recess was at stake now! If little bottoms did not sit down on little chairs, and if little feets did not connect with the little rugs, little children would be losing minutes for recess. Oh really? They seemed to say, with their sly whispers and feet still in contortionists positions over the backs of their chairs. Yep, they called me on it! If I was going to get any respect, I was going to have to follow through.

*SIGH*

Wouldn’t you know I had indoor recess because of rain?

Can you guess what happened?

I had to cancel recess.

Little bottoms sat on little seats, little feet stayed on little rugs and by the end of recess time, most of them were satisfied their work was done.
And they forgave me for it.

The rest of the day was a breeze, they laughed with me, drew me pictures with their next small break, read their books and took directions.

Where were these little people when I really needed this lesson??
Twenty years ago, I REALLY REALLY needed to know it was ok to set boundaries!

So there I was this afternoon, saying good bye to a handful of kids as they walked onto their buses, fresh faced and forgiving. I stood there in the spring sun and thought about how kind words telling people where they cannot cross, and firm consequences don’t have to spell the end of the day.

I am thinking that this class needs to spend more time teaching grown ups!

My Better Half

As we journey through life we have the opportunity to meet a lot of people. Some we like some we don’t. Some people we meet will journey with us for a short time, and others stick around whether you want them to or not. Some are sticking around because they no longer have a choice. I am so blessed to have met my other half that is there because she chooses to be here with me.
My best friend didn’t appear until I was nearly thirty. Sometimes I have to shake my head at how the universe knits time together, because it is just so…perfect. I met my better half not long after some life tragedies had me in a vulnerable place; without knowing it, I was open to being a bit mothered and coddled. My marriage was on the rocks, I had buried a child and life was not going my way.
Just when I needed someone with a strong sense of self and a rock solid personality, I was blessed that she stepped into that role, never to look back; our fit was so natural, neither of us thought about it for a very long time. Now we have been partners in crime long enough to appreciate each other and look back with wonder at it all.
When our marriages ended, it was my better half that let me drag her around Italy pretending we were starring in ‘Under the Tuscan Sun’.
Just when I had settled into my new house as a single mother and began getting comfortable, it was my wiser half that dragged me to the local college campus to sign up for classes.
When I had no one to celebrate my birthdays, she showed up with a cake.
When I was sad because I didn’t have a valentines date, I was the third wheel her very, very patient boyfriend escorted two years in a row to dinner and a movie.
When I went nomad, she opened up her couch.
This woman is so generous and loving that she makes me coffee when I have a particularly bad day. She hates the smell of coffee, and wouldn’t drink it if her life depended on it. Yea, she is that awesome.
It has been about nine years now and today I extend to my better half, birthday wishes for the most successful, happiest year yet. Amy, I love you and your family, and am so very grateful that I got to be your best friend and partner in crime. I hope we have many more adventures over the next nine years!