Tag Archives: Sunday

To Win Some

10 Sep

“I don’t normally introduce myself to strangers”, I said shyly.

“I’m no stranger, I am here every day” he quipped in a soft voice.

I sat down next to him, and feeling bold with nothing to loose I just blurted.

“I think your beautiful, I really would love to take your picture”

“I think you are mistaken” he replied with a smile.

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However he smiled like he has heard this before. “What will you do with a photo of me?” he asked.

I might study it some more. I think I might grow up to be an artist.

Soon.

“That might be alright then, but I hope I don’t break that camera of yours.”

We talked then, of the city and growing up and then old.

We agreed that we all win some and loose some. “mostly I have lost some” he said with distance in his eye.

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I hope today we both won something. I feel richer by having the courage to stop, not just pass by.

To Study Our Daughters

8 Sep

To look at them as through a glass darkly
They show us some things
Not like before
When we heard and saw everything
Because they believed that we knew everything
Had all the solutions

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They believe the trail was blazed by mothers long ago
That we already know the way

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Now that she is far from me
I lead her by shadows and suggestions
Pray for her peace
Long to hold her again

I.O.U.

1 Sep

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I am deeply obligated to a person who caused me much anguish because the grief made me grow up emotionally and gave me a little more understanding. ~Betty Smith ( A Tree Grows in Brooklyn )

For some people, emotional pain leaves as quickly as it is inflicted. They can go through the most anguishing times and pick themselves back up with a nonchalant smile and an American can do attitude. I have a love/hate relationship with those sunny people. Particularly because it is so darn easy for them, that they can be a bit harsh with us misers that have become addicted to licking our wounds and examining our scars.

Just put in the good Lord’s hands.

You must let forgiveness into your heart!

Count your blessings for goodness sake!

Despite the good natured judgment from my sunny neighbors, I now know that both the Polly Anna’s of this world and my own kindred spirits have this in common; we all have been hurt deeply and if we examine our anguish, we can grow.

Some weeks I can breeze right through, without feeling the familiar stab of pain; that pain where my heart used to be. I hear from people that have suffered the loss of a limb that there is a ghost pain. The appendage that is gone will throb incessantly, and they must endure a regular pain management regimen to control the pain from an injury that has long been “healed”.

Some days, lessons are hard to endure. When we suddenly realize what a loved one REALLY thinks of us. Where loyalty truly lies. These things are never equal; no, one heart always beats stronger than the other in every relationship. When we give something our all, and then suddenly have to realize that the other person in our life is not nearly as committed, a part of our soul is awakened as it simultaneously being crushed.

I think this is the pruning and grafting of the healthy whole that the ancients wrote about. And it hurts. With these hard lessons though, come deepening wisdom and understanding and we must take a moment to extend gratitute to the universe and the power behind it; for if we had not be insulted, would we really know why we must every day practice holding our tongue? If we do not experience abandonment, how would we truly know not to injure others or the value of staying by a loved ones side? How else would I know for sure that it is not ok, to just walk away from people that I am supposed to love? How else would I understand the complexity of our everyday lives?

Yes, this week I had to remind myself as I rubbed old wounds; parts of myself that are now only memories, are the scars left behind for the purpose of reminding myself that I now have a better understanding of life. I have been pruned and grafted with an extraordinary oppertunity to serve others with my years. This is also a great oppertunity to aknowledge people in my life that are older than I am and know that they are mentors in life ready to help.

I pray that they will find me in time.

Someday, maybe, I will be able to write about the abyss of depression, confusion and sickness that shattered my heart, and the amputation that followed. Not this week. This week it is enough to know that without anguish there could not be true understanding. And the people in my life responsible for those lessons should be deeply appreciated.

Jaded I am. Wiser still I stand before my maker.

Graditute intertwined with understanding.

Blazing A Trail For Me

21 Jul

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One of the most precious things about being a parent is what our kids can teach us and where they can lead us. This week my son blazed a trail to our first 4-H BB gun shoot. We would have never have become involved with this sport had it not been for David leading the way.

You see, Dave was BORN holding a gun. Not because we are enthusiasts of the sport, but because if guns had not been invented, he would have been the man to invent them. Some people are born passionate about their life hobby and sometimes, their life’s work. David is one of those people. The minute Dave could sit up he was taking things apart and putting them back together, so as soon as he could cut and paste he was in the internet teaching himself how to make working guns out of paper. He loves the process of creating, but also loves the mechanics of a working machine. Guns of course would be the natural cumulation of such interests.

We are country people, so naturally our summers are not complete without BB guns and all of the empty soup cans we knock over with them. Davids passion and interest goes much deeper than that. His interests go beyond sling shots, cane pole fishing and typical cop and robber games. So, like any other country bumpkin mom living out in the sticks, I enrolled my child into 4-H so we could get the proper mentoring and inclusion into a group that knows EVERYTHING about the subject we know NOTHING about, so David could explore his passion for marksmanship.

As we were all standing around watching his first shoot, it occurred to me how much our children can teach us, and lead us into, if we listen to them and follow their lead. I thought about how this parenting thing is a partnership of mentoring between our communities, our children and ourselves. I am so humbled by how my child’s life makes my community so much bigger by introducing the whole family to people and places that we would never encountered if we had not stopped to listen to another heartbeat and follow the sound.

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Sunday Morning Musing Over Coffee

23 Jun

I woke up this morning to send my daughters off with their aunt to their first rabbit and cavy show. I felt only a little bit selfish to smile and wave goodbye knowing their brother was sleeping and I was about to enjoy a beautiful sunrise all by myself. Image

One of my favorite activities as always been to greet the sun. When I was a moody teenager on this same family farm, I would get up and go sit behind the barn to watch the sun come up and think. Today was no different, yet special in its own way…as usual. As usual, it was just plain awesome in its own right.

Today as I decided to forgo my window musing space and instead walk barefoot through wet grass and talk to the flowerbeds. I thought about how I have not been thinking much at all lately.

All winter long as I am caught up in my ambition and quest for a different tomorrow, I make a list of things I don’t have time for and think about  how I will make it up in my three of four months of summer, my time “off”.

This last week I have done absolutly nothing.

And I have enjoyed every last minute of it.

I remember talking to a teacher a few summers ago, and she told me that teachers need the three months off to rest and regroup. I think she is wrong only because I think everyone needs time to stop. I think we all need LOTS of time to stop and do all sorts of incredible, soul nourishing, body restoring, glorious nothing.

Nothing like only making your own tea from the garden can provide.

Nothing like only a long visit to old friends can restore your soul.

Nothing like looking around your home and seeing all of those loose ends that need to be tied up, and choosing one small task for the chore of the day and resting with a bad book and that cup of tea fresh off the stove for the other seventeen hours that we are out of bed.

Nothing like looking at your dog that needs to be walked and turning it into a day long hike, hiding from all the responsibilities that want to turn us into responsible adults that never have any rest.

This next week I am determined to start tackling my to do list with the same fervor that I had in the fall, but this week was a wonderful break from thinking so much and just breathing in the essence of life as it passed by. I hope everyone takes some time to indulge in at the very least, a little bit of beautiful nothing.

 

Happy Fathers Day

16 Jun

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I have no writing juice this week
But I am grateful it is fathers Day
Today I will allow his contence to speak
For himself
For us
For the one day we give all dads a nod
Of graditude

Sunday Morning Musing Over Coffee

9 Jun

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When I was a girl, I remember it being said that the road to destruction is wide and well paved, but the road to salvation is narrow and difficult to navigate.

I have read that roads less traveled are the best.

I know they are the most exciting.

Thrilling, mostly.

This week I have been thinking about this blazing of trails thing, and decided that the name itself is three-fold.

First, I understand my role to show my children the way around life. This road is well traveled. Not because we are all headed to horrible destruction, but because there are basic things we all need, and we all walk similar paths to the local watering hole, so to speak. I understand that it is my responsibility to teach them to use the local library, respect their teachers and take care of their elders.

I am thinking this morning about how these wide, paved roads may be getting a bad rap. Some roads are wide and paved because they are absolutely necessary for all people to travel down, and without the wide “easy” road, many people would never find their way to education, spirituality and the like. This week I have been thinking about all the packed down paths that I am showing my children; the same ones my mother led me down just a few short years ago. These trails, familiar to me, and fodder for Thanksgiving day and Christmas dinner table chatter, are bran-spankin’ new places for my children. The library parties in the park, the creek that I dipped my toes into as a child, and long afternoons at the playground, are all places that most parents spend time with their children. Not exactly a crazy trail to blaze, but it seems so to three little Wendy’s in a small Michigan town.

While it is my responsibility to show my children the most useful and treasured trails they need to use, so they can become responsible adults and pass the torch, my deepest desire is to teach them to reach to new heights, new ideas and embrace beautiful new adventures. To blaze new trails.

Second, I, Wendy’s mother, would prefer not to travel wide paths, or the narrow and difficult path, and even less traveled paths for that matter. I am the personality that will crash through all barriers to see what it is that is absolutely MUST experience. At all cost. Remember that I am perfectly able to rent a small apartment and worry about money and be economically disadvantaged like a million other single mothers out there. kudos to all mommies out there that can maintain normal. I admire you and commend you for all that you do.I admit the obvious; that I cannot be average or normal. I choose to stamp our passports instead while pursuing a career that may never pay my rent. (Perhaps it is whitewashing my situation to call it blazing a trail!)

Last, I am embarking upon a new path for myself. I am moving into and exploring the realm of teaching and mentoring.

I am moving into the realm of blazing trails.

 

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