Roots Revisited

6 May

013

I have not been outside in a while; school work and writing are taking up all of my time now, being outside feels good this morning. Watering the horses, I crossed the yard with a bucket of water and my eyes scan the yucca garden I planted last fall. As I take in my paltry attempt at extending mom’s yucca beds, my heart sinks.
The universe has spoken once more:  “Erin, there will be no planting”
No planting a family,
No planting a library,
No planting of love,
No planting of substance.
“Don’t try to put roots down girl! I can and will rip up those roots while they are tender with only a tenuous grip on the soil!” And she does.
I looked at my dead yucca; my mother’s voice ringing in my ears. After all those hours of planning and researching how to eat yucca, moving and separating them to use as a food the following year. After I put in the hours and care, Mom looked at me with the haughty look that I know so well because she gave the same to me by genetics and practice; “we are NOT eating that!”

Ok. I will experiment by myself, it is ok.

Her voice rings in my brain now, looking at where the bed was supposed to be, and here it is, mowed over. I know I can’t trust what is said here, but actions speak volumes and cannot be misunderstood. “Erin, you have no place here”.

Last summer I had talked excitedly about learning to garden; about growing lettuces and small things that would also be decorative. No one had gardened seriously for a while now; it would be ok to take some garden space. Wouldn’t it? Mom had at once jumped at the idea about gardening again. I thought it was to be with me, to find common ground. Now I understand. “My” caldron pot at the corner of the garage is full of her choices. The space I tried to carve out for myself is gone.

Don’t put down roots Erin!

Don’t you DARE.                .

“I will laugh at your attempts at stability” scoffs the universe in my nightmares, and now in my ear as I survey my futile attempts at settling in a bit.

I remember learning as a child…it is in the Bible … it is in the book of Psalms…God laughs at our plans.

017
But what I didn’t understand in the middle of that temper tantrum, is this:
God just giggles because he knows how much we don’t understand.
I just didn’t understand how yucca works.
Cameron pig roast 2013 162
Problem solved.

Advertisements

One Response to “Roots Revisited”

  1. Blazing a Trail for Wendy July 13, 2013 at 10:44 am #

    Reblogged this on Blazing a Trail for Wendy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: