Tag Archives: Family

Conversations On The Front Porch

18 Sep

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The Littlest Frustrations

17 Sep

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Are the ones that make you smile

The Untitled

13 Sep

The next ten weeks or so will be extremely busy for me.

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I hope I get to write and think a bit.

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In the meantime I think I will post my favorite pictures from my summer of playing.

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Did I mention this is a borrowed camera from my mother?

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I just love that camera!

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oops

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I mean I just love that woman!

To Win Some

10 Sep

“I don’t normally introduce myself to strangers”, I said shyly.

“I’m no stranger, I am here every day” he quipped in a soft voice.

I sat down next to him, and feeling bold with nothing to loose I just blurted.

“I think your beautiful, I really would love to take your picture”

“I think you are mistaken” he replied with a smile.

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However he smiled like he has heard this before. “What will you do with a photo of me?” he asked.

I might study it some more. I think I might grow up to be an artist.

Soon.

“That might be alright then, but I hope I don’t break that camera of yours.”

We talked then, of the city and growing up and then old.

We agreed that we all win some and loose some. “mostly I have lost some” he said with distance in his eye.

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I hope today we both won something. I feel richer by having the courage to stop, not just pass by.

To Study Our Daughters

8 Sep

To look at them as through a glass darkly
They show us some things
Not like before
When we heard and saw everything
Because they believed that we knew everything
Had all the solutions

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They believe the trail was blazed by mothers long ago
That we already know the way

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Now that she is far from me
I lead her by shadows and suggestions
Pray for her peace
Long to hold her again

To Study Our Daughters

4 Sep

To study my daughter is to see myself more clearly.

I rode that same tractor as a child

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Ran from it and all that it represented

Me

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And now I am back home

To nurture her in the same nest

Under the same sun

Tapping into the same roots

To stand back and watch her grow

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In awe

I.O.U.

1 Sep

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I am deeply obligated to a person who caused me much anguish because the grief made me grow up emotionally and gave me a little more understanding. ~Betty Smith ( A Tree Grows in Brooklyn )

For some people, emotional pain leaves as quickly as it is inflicted. They can go through the most anguishing times and pick themselves back up with a nonchalant smile and an American can do attitude. I have a love/hate relationship with those sunny people. Particularly because it is so darn easy for them, that they can be a bit harsh with us misers that have become addicted to licking our wounds and examining our scars.

Just put in the good Lord’s hands.

You must let forgiveness into your heart!

Count your blessings for goodness sake!

Despite the good natured judgment from my sunny neighbors, I now know that both the Polly Anna’s of this world and my own kindred spirits have this in common; we all have been hurt deeply and if we examine our anguish, we can grow.

Some weeks I can breeze right through, without feeling the familiar stab of pain; that pain where my heart used to be. I hear from people that have suffered the loss of a limb that there is a ghost pain. The appendage that is gone will throb incessantly, and they must endure a regular pain management regimen to control the pain from an injury that has long been “healed”.

Some days, lessons are hard to endure. When we suddenly realize what a loved one REALLY thinks of us. Where loyalty truly lies. These things are never equal; no, one heart always beats stronger than the other in every relationship. When we give something our all, and then suddenly have to realize that the other person in our life is not nearly as committed, a part of our soul is awakened as it simultaneously being crushed.

I think this is the pruning and grafting of the healthy whole that the ancients wrote about. And it hurts. With these hard lessons though, come deepening wisdom and understanding and we must take a moment to extend gratitute to the universe and the power behind it; for if we had not be insulted, would we really know why we must every day practice holding our tongue? If we do not experience abandonment, how would we truly know not to injure others or the value of staying by a loved ones side? How else would I know for sure that it is not ok, to just walk away from people that I am supposed to love? How else would I understand the complexity of our everyday lives?

Yes, this week I had to remind myself as I rubbed old wounds; parts of myself that are now only memories, are the scars left behind for the purpose of reminding myself that I now have a better understanding of life. I have been pruned and grafted with an extraordinary oppertunity to serve others with my years. This is also a great oppertunity to aknowledge people in my life that are older than I am and know that they are mentors in life ready to help.

I pray that they will find me in time.

Someday, maybe, I will be able to write about the abyss of depression, confusion and sickness that shattered my heart, and the amputation that followed. Not this week. This week it is enough to know that without anguish there could not be true understanding. And the people in my life responsible for those lessons should be deeply appreciated.

Jaded I am. Wiser still I stand before my maker.

Graditute intertwined with understanding.

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