Tomatoes and Onions

9 Sep

Perhaps my new WordPress friends remember when I said that I am a horrible gardener.

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That is why I spent the summer foraging.

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The truth is this:
My family planted the garden

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…and allowed me to weed and water it

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We all feel this beautiful sense of pride and ownership.

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Do all gardeners feel this great at the end of a summer?


To Study Our Daughters

8 Sep

To look at them as through a glass darkly
They show us some things
Not like before
When we heard and saw everything
Because they believed that we knew everything
Had all the solutions

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They believe the trail was blazed by mothers long ago
That we already know the way

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Now that she is far from me
I lead her by shadows and suggestions
Pray for her peace
Long to hold her again

To Study Our Daughters

4 Sep

To study my daughter is to see myself more clearly.

I rode that same tractor as a child

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Ran from it and all that it represented


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And now I am back home

To nurture her in the same nest

Under the same sun

Tapping into the same roots

To stand back and watch her grow

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In awe

Thoughts On Focus

3 Sep



1 Sep

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I am deeply obligated to a person who caused me much anguish because the grief made me grow up emotionally and gave me a little more understanding. ~Betty Smith ( A Tree Grows in Brooklyn )

For some people, emotional pain leaves as quickly as it is inflicted. They can go through the most anguishing times and pick themselves back up with a nonchalant smile and an American can do attitude. I have a love/hate relationship with those sunny people. Particularly because it is so darn easy for them, that they can be a bit harsh with us misers that have become addicted to licking our wounds and examining our scars.

Just put in the good Lord’s hands.

You must let forgiveness into your heart!

Count your blessings for goodness sake!

Despite the good natured judgment from my sunny neighbors, I now know that both the Polly Anna’s of this world and my own kindred spirits have this in common; we all have been hurt deeply and if we examine our anguish, we can grow.

Some weeks I can breeze right through, without feeling the familiar stab of pain; that pain where my heart used to be. I hear from people that have suffered the loss of a limb that there is a ghost pain. The appendage that is gone will throb incessantly, and they must endure a regular pain management regimen to control the pain from an injury that has long been “healed”.

Some days, lessons are hard to endure. When we suddenly realize what a loved one REALLY thinks of us. Where loyalty truly lies. These things are never equal; no, one heart always beats stronger than the other in every relationship. When we give something our all, and then suddenly have to realize that the other person in our life is not nearly as committed, a part of our soul is awakened as it simultaneously being crushed.

I think this is the pruning and grafting of the healthy whole that the ancients wrote about. And it hurts. With these hard lessons though, come deepening wisdom and understanding and we must take a moment to extend gratitute to the universe and the power behind it; for if we had not be insulted, would we really know why we must every day practice holding our tongue? If we do not experience abandonment, how would we truly know not to injure others or the value of staying by a loved ones side? How else would I know for sure that it is not ok, to just walk away from people that I am supposed to love? How else would I understand the complexity of our everyday lives?

Yes, this week I had to remind myself as I rubbed old wounds; parts of myself that are now only memories, are the scars left behind for the purpose of reminding myself that I now have a better understanding of life. I have been pruned and grafted with an extraordinary oppertunity to serve others with my years. This is also a great oppertunity to aknowledge people in my life that are older than I am and know that they are mentors in life ready to help.

I pray that they will find me in time.

Someday, maybe, I will be able to write about the abyss of depression, confusion and sickness that shattered my heart, and the amputation that followed. Not this week. This week it is enough to know that without anguish there could not be true understanding. And the people in my life responsible for those lessons should be deeply appreciated.

Jaded I am. Wiser still I stand before my maker.

Graditute intertwined with understanding.

Star Struck

31 Aug

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Watching my daughter this week has been taking me back in time. That is what is great about being twenty nine a few times, and being a parent; you get to enjoy great memories! This week I have been with her as she explores the horse world and everything amazing in it, just as I did when I was a young teen.

This week my mini-me has went from being horse crazy to absolutely star stuck. You know those crazy kids that have that Justin -whats-his-name hanging on their wall? Or perhaps you remember swooning yourself when some guys named themselves after an insect and came to our side of the pond. I am sure any of my blogging friends out there can relate to the mania and obsession kids from all over give to boy bands and the beautiful and famous.

That is nothing compared to a teenager with a bad case of horse fever.

A star stuck horse crazy girl will look at magazines and go to horse shows, and come home believing that her horse, can, and will learn to piaffe. ( For my patient readers that are non-horsey that means they trot in place, like prancing. But it is a big deal.) She will beg for sleek breeches and boots that only set a parent back a cool hundred or so. She will braid anything she can get her fingers on because one day she will have a mane to braid for a very important show. I know exatly what she is going through. I put my parents through the same routine.

However, I owned a very humble quarter horse, just as we own a Quarter Horse today. This horse was born to play with cows, not dance ballet.

Star stuck teenagers in the barn however are not appeased with records and posters of their idol, noooooo…they go shopping for very, very expensive tack. Because if you put dressage saddle on a Quarter Horse, it will BE a dressage horse. If you wear awesome boots and breeches, your horse will see this and become determined to collect themselves and carry themselves with far more pride than an ordinary trail horse. My very patient and kind horse tolerated me dreaming on his behalf too. I polished and shined him every day, braided him and dreamt about how someday I would have the money and means to take him foxhunting. That loving friend of mine was just thrilled that I made it out to the barn every day to play.

Yes, I know all of this because I did this to my poor parents; I dragged them to tack shops and talked their ears off about what great things horses and I would do someday. This week they are watching me now as I patiently explain to my star struck teenager that someday….her dreams just might come true.

Today Is Only A Shadow Of Tommrow

27 Aug

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Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. ~Neil Postman, The Disappearance of Childhood (introduction), 1982

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