I.O.U.

1 Sep

july 14th erins pics 036

I am deeply obligated to a person who caused me much anguish because the grief made me grow up emotionally and gave me a little more understanding. ~Betty Smith ( A Tree Grows in Brooklyn )

For some people, emotional pain leaves as quickly as it is inflicted. They can go through the most anguishing times and pick themselves back up with a nonchalant smile and an American can do attitude. I have a love/hate relationship with those sunny people. Particularly because it is so darn easy for them, that they can be a bit harsh with us misers that have become addicted to licking our wounds and examining our scars.

Just put in the good Lord’s hands.

You must let forgiveness into your heart!

Count your blessings for goodness sake!

Despite the good natured judgment from my sunny neighbors, I now know that both the Polly Anna’s of this world and my own kindred spirits have this in common; we all have been hurt deeply and if we examine our anguish, we can grow.

Some weeks I can breeze right through, without feeling the familiar stab of pain; that pain where my heart used to be. I hear from people that have suffered the loss of a limb that there is a ghost pain. The appendage that is gone will throb incessantly, and they must endure a regular pain management regimen to control the pain from an injury that has long been “healed”.

Some days, lessons are hard to endure. When we suddenly realize what a loved one REALLY thinks of us. Where loyalty truly lies. These things are never equal; no, one heart always beats stronger than the other in every relationship. When we give something our all, and then suddenly have to realize that the other person in our life is not nearly as committed, a part of our soul is awakened as it simultaneously being crushed.

I think this is the pruning and grafting of the healthy whole that the ancients wrote about. And it hurts. With these hard lessons though, come deepening wisdom and understanding and we must take a moment to extend gratitute to the universe and the power behind it; for if we had not be insulted, would we really know why we must every day practice holding our tongue? If we do not experience abandonment, how would we truly know not to injure others or the value of staying by a loved ones side? How else would I know for sure that it is not ok, to just walk away from people that I am supposed to love? How else would I understand the complexity of our everyday lives?

Yes, this week I had to remind myself as I rubbed old wounds; parts of myself that are now only memories, are the scars left behind for the purpose of reminding myself that I now have a better understanding of life. I have been pruned and grafted with an extraordinary oppertunity to serve others with my years. This is also a great oppertunity to aknowledge people in my life that are older than I am and know that they are mentors in life ready to help.

I pray that they will find me in time.

Someday, maybe, I will be able to write about the abyss of depression, confusion and sickness that shattered my heart, and the amputation that followed. Not this week. This week it is enough to know that without anguish there could not be true understanding. And the people in my life responsible for those lessons should be deeply appreciated.

Jaded I am. Wiser still I stand before my maker.

Graditute intertwined with understanding.

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4 Responses to “I.O.U.”

  1. ridefireflyfarm September 1, 2013 at 5:11 pm #

    Pain is buried deeply for many of us–but it always remains. I hate that feeling. I’ve been there too often that I refuse to feel it. I’ll stay happy and in the “now.” Hello, denial!

    • Blazing a Trail for Wendy September 1, 2013 at 9:11 pm #

      I wrote that response to the quote immediately after I read it. I felt a physical reaction to that book; reader response is supposed to be the least sophisticated literary criticism, but I think it is the most important and will always be the highlight of my book discussions 🙂

  2. musiqdragonfly September 2, 2013 at 12:03 pm #

    “Reflect upon your present blessings – of which every man has many – not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”

    ~ Charles Dickens

    There are much beauty on earth to be explored, please don’t miss them…

    • Blazing a Trail for Wendy September 2, 2013 at 2:19 pm #

      Great quote! Thank you!

      I really identified with A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, and the thought that our scars are as much a part of us as our good memories really touched my heart in a very deep way, so I wrote about why that is. 🙂
      How else would we know when life is beautiful if not for our scars to compare with our sucesses?

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