Sunday Morning Musing Over Coffee

2 Jun

erin's pics 049

At this point in time I have three different borrowed windows through which to sip my morning coffee and muse (Don’t I have a wonderful circle of family and friends?) This Sunday morning I am borrowing my daughter’s window and coffee maker. She has a wonderful view of water and wonderful neighbors. I watch the coy in the pond swim about in time to music that I cannot hear and watch birds light on the fence that keeps the neighborhood kids from swimming during the humid Michigan summers.

I don’t bird watch, but this morning I was sitting and sipping coffee, and a Robin lighted right beside me. We stared at each other for several seconds; I am not sure which one of us was more surprised! I was happy to have his company, but he preferred not to keep mine and continued about his business.

I have to confess that is not really what I am contemplating this morning.

These last few weeks I have had a lot on my mind because I have lost another family member. This morning I am thinking about the different kinds of loss we all must suffer. This time I did not loose someone to death, but they were lost by choice.

I have a hard time with these kinds of losses. In my little world, once I legally become family, I would rather die a thousand deaths than go back on a promise. But this is not my life, and my little world did not have an address for this person. It was not a choice for me to make.

I know what you are thinking, if in fact you have read this far you are saying something out loud,( like I can hear you),something about how some people are here for a season, but everyone is here for a reason. I know, and I hate it too. I want everyone to be here for a reason and for as many seasons that it takes for us to die. That is how I am; I am a forever kind of gal. I am a forever kind of lover, mother and yes, even a forever kind of mother in law.

I am mourning this weekend like I am the one getting a divorce. Self-centered aren’t I? Like this life and everyone who comes in and out are all about me. True, my narcissism may have reached a true high point, but I still miss him. This whole time I was recounting to all of my friends what a great son in law I have. He hunts, loves his family and is patient and kind. This whole time I didn’t know that he didn’t really want to be here with my baby, or my family.

Damn, I really threw my heart out there for this kid.

Smile because it happened, right? Don’t cry because it is over! Now I love Dr. Seuss as much as the next gal, but I am really sad his time is over with us. I wish today I was a bit more mature and wise. I wish I could embrace change like my family and peers. I wish I could love as easily and forgive as effortlessly as the people in my life that I admire do.

But I don’t.

Once I decide to love, I am so tangled up and invested in that person that the untangling process is absolutely horrid. Of course, I didn’t know this about myself until a few years ago. Over the last eight years or so I have had to move on from some very important relationships. I still wish that I didn’t have to.

So, this morning I toast yesterday as bravely as I can because I am so glad for the people that have been in my life up to this point. Today I raise my coffee cup and toast to tomorrow also; I toast for everyone that will be in my life for too short of a season. I know already that I will cry many more tears over my future loves than they will shed over me; not because they are less sensitive, or love less; they are probably just a bit more grown up. And to satisfy the altruistic artist’s soul in me, today I am defiantly toasting to forever.

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One Response to “Sunday Morning Musing Over Coffee”

  1. ridefireflyfarm July 1, 2013 at 1:32 am #

    Been there. This is well said.

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