Who Am I Kidding? I Am Always Musing!

18 May

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This is the week that I decide on and sign up for fall classes. It is time to revisit questions that I ponder regularly, so I have been wrestling with a reoccurring question for some time now; well every since I started at Baker College to be honest. I started out making the same decision every term; I decided to go to school part time so I would also have time to gain the life skills as a single mother that I needed. I made the decision from the get-go that I would revisit the full time vs. part time question after I obtained my associates degree. After I came home from Morocco, I decided it was time to try the full time school plus full time mommy gig. Now I am not so sure that I like it.
 

So here I am signing up for fall classes…

 
Full time or part time…that is the question.
 
Just to be clear, college is not the question. I have wanted to be here since I knew what college was.
 
For a long time I had allowed fear to hold me back. I pretended to be selfless and self sacrificing by encouraging others to do that thing that I wanted most. I dreamt
of my children going to college and being everything that I was not. I sold education like religion. The standard of perfection and utopia that was unattainable for me.
 
Fast forward seven years.
I am here; I am in the very place that I always wanted to be.
I don’t have to live for tomorrow and dream anymore. I am selfishly embracing every exciting moment, every class, every new friend like a wayward child come home, I am gorging on books and history like starved animal wolfing down found food.
 
Well wait…If libraries are free and so am I ..there is no need to gorge now and regurgitate later..
 
So, back to my question. Full or part time.
 
What is my rush?
Higher pay? No, my pay will always demand a second income or food stamps.
A better job? No, as an educator I will suffer only more stress while doing exactly what I do now.
More fulfilling work? No, I can do the same work now, and I can work in every place that I have ever dreamt of working.
 
However If I slow down….
I may have less stress…
learn more because I can devote more time and attention to each class…
meet more people because I will have time to talk and listen…
and have more journey to relish…
 
I experimented with a full time schedule so I could have the credit hours to substitute teach. Now that I am in the classroom and I am having an absolute blast….what was my other motivation?
 
Florida and Alaska….
 
Like they don’t have substitute teachers or paraprofessionals there! *rolling eyes at myself*
 
Thanks for listening, that really helped me make a decision for fall 🙂

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