Sunday Morning Musings Over Coffee

21 Apr


This Sunday morning I am looking out of my borrowed window drinking coffee thinking about my week ahead. A week full of up last-minute details and week full of last deadlines and projects finished.
A week full of goodbyes.

My newest adventure is about to begin, so my Sunday morning musings currently are full of looking back in time. I believe looking back is a good exercise because it can help set the pace for what I am currently doing, as well as for what may lay ahead.

Today I am thinking about the last five years,and who I was when I had to start over. I am thinking about what life was like when I first decided to throw caution to the wind and began living one term, one day, and one moment at a time.

I was a poorly educated person and high school education doesn’t get person far; it certainly did not behoove me to stop learning after high school.

So, five years ago I was a poorly educated person, and I decided to become someone else.

And I did.

Five years ago I wanted to become a well-traveled person.

So I did.

Five years ago I decided to take as many years as I needed, and walk through a grief process, to feel every single, heart wrenching bit of it. I had decided to feel the pain as deeply as possible. For the last few years I have denied death, bargained with life to give my loss back, and indulged in rage with every fiber of my being as a way to validate what had been take from me.

My five years is up.

This is my year to heal. My year to put my indulgence in mourning to rest and bury it alongside a sleeping child and the marriage that lays with him. I am now free of debt and free of doubt as to what my next phase in life will entail.

I wrote this about two years ago as I was getting ready to tramp around Morocco with my son. It touched my heart because I am still looking out borrowed windows on Sundays, and I am quite settled in ( most of the time ) with my tumbleweed lifestyle. I am now in the teaching field, with my eye on adventurous summer jobs the kids can benefit from, and a bucket list of things to do on the side of my borrowed refrigerator. I desperately hope this will be a constant in my new life.

Today I am also thinking about how grief and loss change things. When grief and loss come knocking at our doors, it tears our worlds apart, but it is only a tragedy for a little while. After an erupting volcano decimates a country side, it is only a little while later that life flocks back to the fertile ground and hope springs anew. This blog will be a document to what beautiful growth happens after death, and the beautiful journey that life is.

I am so happy to be back, stronger and happier than ever.


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